It gets better...I promise!

***WARNING...KIND OF BRUTAL FEELINGS BEING EXPOSED...READ AT OWN RISK***

First of all...

Life has been beyond crazy! I know it is for everybody. 2009 was NOT our "year", in a way. I don't know really how to say this without feeling like I am being judged, so I am just gonna say it (that's what I do). I HAD felt like someone just took a dump on us at the beginning of the year and just kept piling it on, and once the pile was too high, it just got kicked around. Is that graphic enough for ya? Sorry. That's just what seemed like what kept happening.

(I am not even talking about our kiddos. They are doing AMAZING!!!! )

I won't bore you with ALL the details, but the gist of it is...obvious rough start with Jack AND Tyla's autism diagnosis. Then finding Baby Joe to be developmentally delayed as well. Then for Matt to not have much work and barely making it. Then my dad...let's just say my breaks everyday and I miss him so much. Jack and Tyla STILL ask for him and they haven't seen him since June. And they won't be able to for a long, long time. Realizing that has been THE hardest thing I have had to "deal" with. If that's what I am doing.

Dealing.

Jack and my dad had a special bond from the day he was born. They lived with us and he would be the one to get up with him in the night...oh how I loved it! I know it breaks my dads heart too, probably even more, because that's the kind of man he is!!

I digress...

Then all of my "issues" surgery after surgery. Being in pain ALL THE TIME. Especially while trying to be a mommy and continue our everyday "reality" ie...therapies, dr appts, school, therapy, therapy, therapy. Let's just say I had a bit of a mental breakdown. Just a bit...**enter sarcastic voice here**

Satan had a HUGE hold on me. I still can't believe I let him get to me THAT much!! I felt sorry for myself. I felt inadequate. I felt like I can't do this. I did not sign up for "this" life. These kids are special and they deserve so much better than me. Matt deserved someone better. Most days, I seriously didn't wanna get out of bed just to find out about something to someone in my family had happened...(like my brother sawing off his fingers 2 weeks before Christmas...etc.) I really felt like the Lord had abandoned me and my family.

Shame on me.

Thank goodness for THE MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND in the world, he recognized I needed some serious help! He sent me away. He sent me to a place that he KNEW I would come back all "better". He sent me to see my BFF's!! (almost all of them) I didn't realize how much I needed that. I had alienated myself from my friends. It was just easier to not talk to them, then burden them with my problems. That's how I felt.

It was a very dark time and place in my life. But that's where I was wrong. It's not just MY life. It's my sweet eternal companion and I PLUS all of our celestial spirits that were sent here to teach US! How lucky are we? It took a dear friend discovering that she is going to "HOLLAND" as well to open my eyes. She has been such an inspiration to me and her attitude and acceptance to what the Lord has given to her. She is AMAZING! And another dear friend telling her that God DOES give us MORE than we can handle.

So, with this, I thank the Lord every single day!!! He chose us, for some reason, to be apart of these trials. And through the enabling power of the atonement, WE WILL GET THROUGH IT!! And we will always, always NEED THE LORD IN OUR LIVES!!! That is the lesson of 2009!!!!