WARNING: Brutal Honesty Ahead!

I am struggling for a title for this post (especially looking at this wonderful picture of my angels). I don't even know where really to start. I guess, I will start by just being honest to myself and to any of you who are out there that still read this 'ol blog.

So I have been trying REALLY hard to be more positive in life. I mean EVERYTHING in life. REALLY HARD! Matt and I went to our wonderful TEAM Conference and I came back so super happy! Super charged up! Way motivated to help others find this kind of happiness in their lives too.

Then we got home. We missed our kids terribly. But as you may know, ANY routine change in our autistic kids is DETRIMENTAL! Well, Jack did not cope well while we were gone. Then needless to say, he wasn't too thrilled about summer starting 2 days later! Between our trip, school ending, therapists gone on vacation, getting sick, mom getting sick, therapists gone for another week, and a hormonal mom...NO BUENO!!

Jack has *literally* whined/cried ALL day every single day since summer started!! And his stimming...oh the stimming. It's bad. We've lost eye contact. He doesn't focus...at all! What little attention span he did have is now totally gone. He has become more aggressive. He has NEVER been aggressive. He has always been loving and cuddly. He got kicked out of nursery today for throwing toys at other kids. Never before has he done ANYTHING like this! He even hit Baby Joe. First. time. ever.

I feel like I am pushed way further than I have ever been before. I had Matt give Jack a blessing on Friday before he went out with the BIL's. When he was done, Tyla wanted a turn, so he gave her one as well. Then she turned around and said, "Daddy, mommy needs one too" She is such a sweetheart. I don't know how I would have made it through this weekend with out HER! I was in the middle of one of my biggest breakdowns and she came up to me and said, "mommy you need a tissue??" I told her yes, so she ran in the bathroom and got me one of her wet wipes. Then she helped me wipe my eyes and said, "Mom, I can't like you to cry" and when I was having an anxiety attack she ran in the bedroom to get Matt and said, "daddy can you come help?" I can't even imagine what was going on inside that little mind of hers. But I am sorry she had to see me like that. It doesn't happen like that very often, but when it does, it's usually pretty bad.

So where am I going with this? I don't know. I have no idea. I just know that we are all human and none of us are exempt to go through these refining fires. Iron sharpens Iron. That's what I need to focus on. Jack will get back into a routine. Soon. He will live (hopefully he-he) Matt has been A-Freakin-Mazing! I don't know how I would ever do this with out him! He is my rock. Even when I don't deserve him, he is always there!

We will get through this. We always do. Something that I look at often is this poem I found in all our childhood photos. Here it is...

"Children Learn What They Live"

If a child lives with criticism,
HE learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
HE learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,
HE learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,
HE learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,
HE learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,
HE learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,
HE learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with security,
HE learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,
HE learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
HE learns to find love in the world.

*Dorothy Law Nolte*