Me!!! So I warn you, the following contains a lot of self pity and self loathing! You don't have to keep reading if you don't want too, but be forewarned!
I just need to vent some VERY pent up frustrations! I want to start off saying I love my kids SOOOO much!! I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING!!! There now that that's outta the way, I'll continue.
Life is hard, I get it...but does it have to be SO hard sometimes?! I don't know. We went to dinner tonight at one of Matt's old buddies from high schools house. They haven't seen each other in YEARS. I have never met him or his wife and so we were pretty excited to meet up with them and their kids. Well, it's never a good idea to take Jack anywhere he is not used to being. He doesn't adapt well, to say the least. But when we have Tyla too, it just really sucks to go anywhere! I felt like our kids were totally destroying their house and Tyla was also being such a bully. All Matt and I wanted to do was take our kids to play with theirs while we enjoyed some adult company and conversation. Well, that's not how it ever happens. What ends up happening is Matt tries to talk to them while we are both trying to keep Jack out of EVERYTHING he is NOT supposed to get into and refereeing fights that Tyla is causing by constantly taking things away from all the kids and hitting them etc. etc. etc., and taking care of baby Joe while he screams!! AHHHHHHH!!!!! That's what I wanna say sometimes!!!! It just sucks!!! It sucks when something that should be fun just turns into a total disaster and just plain exhausting!!
I love my kids!!! I love them more than anything!! I would NOT change anything about them...well I would change the autism...that SUCKS! It sucks they have to go through this! It sucks that no matter how frustrated I get, they are a hundred (or more) times frustrated than me!! I know Heavenly Father loves us and He trusts Matt and I to have these TWO (possibly 3 but hopefully baby Joe won't end up with autism too) special spirits in our family!! I do sometimes feel like I am letting Him down, I feel like I don't do as good of job that I should. Matt does amazingly well!! He rarely gets frustrated with them. He only does when I have completely lost my patience with them and then he starts getting flustered. He is the best daddy to them!! They love him so much!! And on that note, I will end this sad little post. Tomorrow is another day...let's see what it brings.
P.S. Please don't judge me:) I am hard enough on myself as it is!!
6 comments:
Oh sister. Don't you know we all feel this way? The autism thing must make it ten times harder, but every mom loves/hates her job more than anything because it is really REALLY hard but really REALLY worthwhile. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to add autism into the whole thing. Brianna you are amazing and wonderful. You have become an activist instead of a victim. Your blog is an inspiration to so many people. You are a fighter. You can do this. I love you and hope that better days are to come. In the meantime, I would love to come to my mom's house one day and watch your kiddos. Let me know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Brianna by the sounds of things you need some jody time. I think a trip to Inkom would help everything!
Sorry you have been having a hard time. I wish I lived closer so I could help out or at least add my 3 kids to the crazyness!
Hang in there and remember I love ya!
love Jody
I think all Moms have gotten that award atleast once!:) Just try and focus on the good that you are doing instead of the moments of weakness. Hang in there...you are such a great Mom!
BZ I can't even imagine how hard it is. You are an amazing person I have always known this, but seeing you with your little kids it totally confirmed it. Your great with him. I am so sad you are having a hard time and I live so far away. I wish I could be there to help out, sorry.
Please understand SO MANY OF US FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!! We are in this (ever enlarging) "club" of sorts and we are judged out in public by many who will NEVER understand our journey. It can be the most exasperating, frustrating, heart wrenching experience, one that can tear your self-esteem apart if you let it. I have had so many "bad mommy" moments but at some point we need to let ourselves off the hook. We are all doing the best we can, that is all we can do, and try to do better tomorrow. Hang in there, and know you are not alone!! I had a similar day Saturday and was in tears because of it. Here's to a better day!
Wow. I'm glad I'm not the only one that gets frustrated like that! If it helps you feel better, your kids were great when we all got together during Christmas time! You didn't have Tyla but Jack and baby Joe did Great!
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